I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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