you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
