All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Rumble strips road head = magical
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
