If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
