by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
