Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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