It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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