You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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