she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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