i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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