I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
