Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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