Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
