In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
