found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
