if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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