What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
