Can i not drive my cunt home
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
