Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
