im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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