Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
