Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
why do cheetos always look like penises
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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