i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
