I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
