Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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