Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
a search helicopter?!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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