why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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