I hate all girls vehemently.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
