I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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