Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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