Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
