This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
