I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
