If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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