Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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