Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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