youre lurking in front of me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
