Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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