Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
