I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
