omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
