i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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