she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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