i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
