they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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