No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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