Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
