how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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