My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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