the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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