His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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